These previous twelve days have passed in a blurry haze of rawness, exhaustion, and giving it my all. Tomorrow, if everything goes according to plan, I will have completed my 40-hour mediation training and will have taken a huge step in the process/commitment of becoming a state-certified mediator. The entire journey seems a little daunting, but I feel like I am making steps in the right direction. One of the things I was recently discussing with friends is how someone with a chronic illness is always forward-focused. Not to say we don’t linger and get stuck on the past, but rather that we always plan and think with our future in mind.
To explain further, Jon and I recently bought a car. We have talked about it for months, almost a year, actually. We wanted something weather appropriate, full family seating capacity, decent gas mileage, and with more of a physical appeal than, say, a mini-van. Although we had talked ourselves around and around, I was afraid of committing. I tried to explain to him that I spend 90% of my life in fear that I will wake up at home and fall asleep in a hospital. I continued on to say that I worry about what a poorly timed flair would do to our already tenuous financial stability, I worry about losing my job, and I worry about the insurance company making good on their threats to discontinue my treatment.
Naturally, Jon didn’t get it. I wouldn’t say he didn’t understand, he just couldn’t relate…which is actually part of why we work so well together as a couple. He is fun and lively; he forces me to live life and take it less seriously. Alternatively, my side of the relationship coin is to show him stability and the strengths of being prepared.
To steer back to my original and very convoluted story, I am excited about mediation presently, but also in looking at how it could potentially shape my future. If things take a turn medically, or the treatment stops being effective, and I have to quit working, becoming a mediator will allow me to work intermittently. Maybe not enough to support a household, but enough to bring a little something to the table without feeling like the burden I imagine I would become.
Mediation is tough and it takes real work. It guts you, it is emotional, and it is raw. A topic that I have heard repeatedly is that as a mediator you are not striving for perfection, but a sense of ‘good enough.’ It was framed as, Practice makes permanent. It really got me thinking about how I treat myself. I have always been extremely hard on myself, never feeling good enough, and never feeling like I belonged. Good enough though? Absolutely. I am not the best Suzy Homemaker that I wish I could be for the kids, but I realized that as a mom, I am good enough.
I often think that Jon could have fallen in love with anyone, but that he stayed or settled with me. Yet, that “good enough” thing got me introspective. I am good enough.
I am good enough. I need to let that sink in. I am a good mom, a good wife, and I have a good life.
Maybe I am not perfect, hell maybe I never will be, but I am good enough and that is okay with me.