New Year’s — a time for making plans and rewriting the past. For me, I choose to look at it as a clean slate; you cannot rewrite your past but you can learn from it. I am who I am because of the things I have done and because of the things that have happened in my life.
I am a product of nature and my own environment.
I was curious about the history behind New Year’s resolutions so I decided to look it up. It led me to an article about the ancient Babylonians. I read that after a festival they crowned a new king and made promises to the gods. Should the Babylonians keep their promises, their gods would favor them in the coming year.
I have never been the religious sort but I am starting to understand the depths of its meaning and comfort. To what end, I am not quite sure. What I do know, is that you don’t have to be religious to believe in something. This year, I am choosing to believe in myself.
The act of making resolutions always seemed disingenuous to me. It felt like another opportunity to let myself down or to disappoint myself. False promises, if you will.
Playing it safe never built character, so I decided to go against my previous inclinations and make a few resolutions. Four of them, to be exact.
Find familial fulfillment.
When all the scary stuff of the last few weeks went down, it wasn’t my career or more ambitions of grandeur that I was scared of losing, it was the wreckage of my family that ate away at my core. I was scared of what would happen to them. I was worried about how the kids would react or perceive me if I was forced to make uncomfortable decisions. This made me realize that my family truly is the most important thing in my life.
You’re probably thinking that is a given, right? It should be a given. However, I have spent so much time and energy trying to prove that I am more, that I am better than this disease that I put my work and my schooling above other things. Including my health. I don’t want to do that anymore. I should work to live, not live to work. My kids need to come first. My husband and our family need to come first.
Stand up for myself.
I never want to hurt anyone or make them feel as small as I have. Oftentimes, this leads to me keeping quiet or trying new medicine after new medicine, when all I really want to do is shout and exclaim that I am not being heard. Not standing up for myself seeps into every aspect of my life, not just when it comes to doctors. This year, I want to make every effort to be heard. To stand up and say the things that I am thinking.
Share my truth.
I have recently started to talk about the uncomfortable things that go along with having an autoimmune disease. I want to continue talking. I want to keep having those awkward and untoward dialogs. I want to share my truth with the world in an attempt to shed some light on often-ignored topics. My truths are mine alone, but maybe just maybe, they are someone else’s too.
Spend more “fun” me time.
I don’t know the actual numbers, but if I were to bet I would say a good 90% of my alone time is spent in service of something else. Be it commuting two hours a day for work, spending 40 minutes at the pharmacy waiting for a prescription, spending countless hours hooked up to an IV pole, cooking, cleaning, or just lying in bed praying the pain away.
I want to try and take some time for me. Time just for me that isn’t spent being in pain, being isolated, or angry. I want to shy away from linking alone time with the above-mentioned negative connotations.
I want every year to be better than my last, 2018 being no exception. Don’t get me wrong, I want to lose some weight, read more books, stop cussing, or learn a new language. These things all take effort and energy that I don’t necessarily have. While the resolutions I made also require effort, there is no way to fail in my pursuit of achieving them.
In my opinion, that makes them the perfect resolutions for me.
What are your new year’s resolutions?